I feel this - and thankfully, there are places that aren't rural *or* big city! I live in a medium-sized city with lots of green space (and a quiet, fenced in backyard) and get the best of both worlds. The pace of life is American Midwest-slow. There are lots of other autistic folks and we can easily get together. We're a couple of hours from big-city culture and less than 30 minutes from giant empty stretches of farmland.
My biggest issue with rural areas (and the reason I can't happily live in one) is that I thrive when I'm biking- or walking-distance to cafes and other gathering places where I can at least see other humans. I get so deeply lonely in rural areas or small towns, especially as a visibly queer person. Small towns like the one I grew up in can be really unwelcoming to anyone who's different.
I hear you, Kate. I couldn't wait to leave my small town behind, and yet... I feel the same way about needing some interaction to stave off loneliness. Sounds like you have found the perfect spot. May I ask how you met other autists in your town :)
I’ve lucked into autistic community in a couple of ways: 1) I met someone in an online community and we discovered in a subscribers introduction chat that we’re both autistic and in the same city, so we met up in real life and became friends. 2) Someone put up posters advertising an informal late-diagnosed support group for AFAB autists and I joined it. 3) One of the friends I made through that group started a regular low-key social hangout for ND folks and it’s been lovely.
In the absence of those lucky breaks, I will also note that when I steer into nerdy interests and/or queer spaces, I tend to find more of us. :)
I love seeing your perspective as an autistic adult. My son is 3 yo and we're team country mice. Even before we knew his diagnosis, there were days were he would be screaming for hours until we took him outside. We had to stay absolutely quiet and just let him watch the trees move and hear the nature around our home. When we do go into town or anywhere overstimulating we have to make sure we have his weighted vest on, or he'll easily go into a meltdown.
That sounds familiar, Tonya. My little guy was the same. Now (big) guy he handles the city better than I do, so interestingly, sensory needs do evolve in some cases. It's so great that you are honouring what he needs to regulate. Nature is so healing for all of us!
I'm glad to know that its possible for him to maybe, one day be able to go into town. Thank you, we've noticed that he does better outside than inside. His problem behaviors and meltdowns are less the more time he's out and about. He's nonverbal and we've come to realize recently the more he stays outside the more he's wanting to babble and make sounds.
For sure. So much about parenting is playing detective and trying to tune in and notice triggers. I often missed signs in my own son when he was little until it was too late - he'd have a massive public meltdown swiftly followed by my own shutdown!
It may be possible to try short outings provided you factor in lots of quiet/downtime before and after. The hypersensitive nervous system needs time to recover :)
So, first of all, Julie, I have never heard the term "culture vulture," and it is so adorable. Thanks for introducing me to it.
Second, John Mellencamp is from Indiana--my home state!
Third, I wholeheartedly am with you about small town versus big city living. I, too, love to travel and experience other cultures and communities and to see places I will never live in. But I also know myself well enough to understand that I need to be dwelling in a quieter space. Plus, I just adore nature. Nature grounds me. If I could have my way, I would not live even in a small town--I would live in the middle of the woods or mountains or by a lake. Seriously. Like Barry Lopez. Some remote cabin. But, of course, that's not practical when you're raising five humans, as I am, so I will settle for the small town.
And one last thing: ennui and boredom beget creativity. ;)
Haha, Jeannie. I love it. Now we will move on to other John Mellencamp/Cougar ear worms... And agree - nature is so vital to my wellbeing as well, but going off-grid may be a step too far ;)
I really feel all of this. Having moved from city to countryside to city again. London was also very tough for me. I moved to the Scottish countryside during the pandemic and it was bliss but after a while I felt bored and needing more stimulation. Also the lack of people was not good for my socialising skills as an autistic introvert. Now I am in the outskirts of a city which I think I working well as I have the best of both worlds. It’s a difficult balance however but so long as I can see and be in nature as well as get to the city to satisfy my current obsessions then it balances quite well.
I can so relate to this. We moved from living in a main road to being surrounded by birds and a field. Going through perimenopause and my sensory world being heightened meant my old house felt like a prison, it was draining me of the energy to escape it. I no longer wake up in flight / fight and it’s wonderful ❤️
I feel this - and thankfully, there are places that aren't rural *or* big city! I live in a medium-sized city with lots of green space (and a quiet, fenced in backyard) and get the best of both worlds. The pace of life is American Midwest-slow. There are lots of other autistic folks and we can easily get together. We're a couple of hours from big-city culture and less than 30 minutes from giant empty stretches of farmland.
My biggest issue with rural areas (and the reason I can't happily live in one) is that I thrive when I'm biking- or walking-distance to cafes and other gathering places where I can at least see other humans. I get so deeply lonely in rural areas or small towns, especially as a visibly queer person. Small towns like the one I grew up in can be really unwelcoming to anyone who's different.
I hear you, Kate. I couldn't wait to leave my small town behind, and yet... I feel the same way about needing some interaction to stave off loneliness. Sounds like you have found the perfect spot. May I ask how you met other autists in your town :)
I’ve lucked into autistic community in a couple of ways: 1) I met someone in an online community and we discovered in a subscribers introduction chat that we’re both autistic and in the same city, so we met up in real life and became friends. 2) Someone put up posters advertising an informal late-diagnosed support group for AFAB autists and I joined it. 3) One of the friends I made through that group started a regular low-key social hangout for ND folks and it’s been lovely.
In the absence of those lucky breaks, I will also note that when I steer into nerdy interests and/or queer spaces, I tend to find more of us. :)
I love this! I need to find something similar in my town 💜
I love seeing your perspective as an autistic adult. My son is 3 yo and we're team country mice. Even before we knew his diagnosis, there were days were he would be screaming for hours until we took him outside. We had to stay absolutely quiet and just let him watch the trees move and hear the nature around our home. When we do go into town or anywhere overstimulating we have to make sure we have his weighted vest on, or he'll easily go into a meltdown.
That sounds familiar, Tonya. My little guy was the same. Now (big) guy he handles the city better than I do, so interestingly, sensory needs do evolve in some cases. It's so great that you are honouring what he needs to regulate. Nature is so healing for all of us!
I'm glad to know that its possible for him to maybe, one day be able to go into town. Thank you, we've noticed that he does better outside than inside. His problem behaviors and meltdowns are less the more time he's out and about. He's nonverbal and we've come to realize recently the more he stays outside the more he's wanting to babble and make sounds.
For sure. So much about parenting is playing detective and trying to tune in and notice triggers. I often missed signs in my own son when he was little until it was too late - he'd have a massive public meltdown swiftly followed by my own shutdown!
It may be possible to try short outings provided you factor in lots of quiet/downtime before and after. The hypersensitive nervous system needs time to recover :)
So, first of all, Julie, I have never heard the term "culture vulture," and it is so adorable. Thanks for introducing me to it.
Second, John Mellencamp is from Indiana--my home state!
Third, I wholeheartedly am with you about small town versus big city living. I, too, love to travel and experience other cultures and communities and to see places I will never live in. But I also know myself well enough to understand that I need to be dwelling in a quieter space. Plus, I just adore nature. Nature grounds me. If I could have my way, I would not live even in a small town--I would live in the middle of the woods or mountains or by a lake. Seriously. Like Barry Lopez. Some remote cabin. But, of course, that's not practical when you're raising five humans, as I am, so I will settle for the small town.
And one last thing: ennui and boredom beget creativity. ;)
Haha, Jeannie. I love it. Now we will move on to other John Mellencamp/Cougar ear worms... And agree - nature is so vital to my wellbeing as well, but going off-grid may be a step too far ;)
Lol I get that, Julie! Send me another ear worm. 🤣
I really feel all of this. Having moved from city to countryside to city again. London was also very tough for me. I moved to the Scottish countryside during the pandemic and it was bliss but after a while I felt bored and needing more stimulation. Also the lack of people was not good for my socialising skills as an autistic introvert. Now I am in the outskirts of a city which I think I working well as I have the best of both worlds. It’s a difficult balance however but so long as I can see and be in nature as well as get to the city to satisfy my current obsessions then it balances quite well.
Yes, I think London must rank, mustn't it? Sounds like you have a perfect balance, Lauren. I'm getting closer myself. Thanks for sharing :)
I can so relate to this. We moved from living in a main road to being surrounded by birds and a field. Going through perimenopause and my sensory world being heightened meant my old house felt like a prison, it was draining me of the energy to escape it. I no longer wake up in flight / fight and it’s wonderful ❤️
Too true, Sophie. Perimenopause dials up all the sensory, doesn't it? I'm there with you. So pleased to hear you have your sweet spot.