Pros and cons of being an autistic parent
Does being autistic make raising an autistic child easier or harder?
You might think being autistic might make parenting an autistic child easier. I’m here to tell you that’s not necessarily the case.
As we know, autism is largely a heritable condition. If it does not come from mom’s side of the family, then you can almost bet it comes from dad’s! Indeed, many of us have only realized we are autistic after spotting uncanny similarities in our kids.
The penny didn’t drop in my case until almost 10 years after my child was diagnosed at age three. Partly because girls tend to present a bit differently than boys, and partly because I had been masking for so long, I ultimately hid my neurodivergence from myself.
What my child and I share is a gift for languages, an unhealthy obsession with the Beatles and ‘80s music, and hypersensitivity to certain stimuli. Our special interests have helped us bond and become close. Strangely, we also connect over our sensory issues. When Carson was little and we visited a public washroom, we both rushed to cover our ears at the sound of the hand dryer. It must have looked quite comical.
These days, in my middle age, I am more sensitive than my kid to just about everything: crowds, light, and sound. We have both always been particular about the clothes we can wear. Having my own sensitivities has certainly made me more empathetic to Carson. It has also made shopping a very instinctive process since I knew what my child would and would not put on their body.
Alas, we are not the same person, though. No two autistic people are exactly alike, blood relatives or not. My triggers are not the same as Carson’s, and sometimes we get into loggerheads over these differences. I am a people-pleaser and all-around rule follower, where Carson can be impulsive and often resists being told what to do in classic PDA style (more on that later). In this respect, my child is more like their father, who is also neurodivergent (ADHD).
Both Carson and I are incredibly rigid black-and-white thinkers, which becomes a problem when we don’t see eye to eye. Neither one of us gives in easily or compromises. As the parent, though, I am expected to be the patient one; my needs often take a backseat to my child’s. As it should be. Yet not always easy when I’m also dysregulated.
Luckily I have another parent to lean on when I am on the verge of a meltdown or shutdown. Not all autistic parents have that luxury. I don’t think it is helpful to hide my own challenges from my child. Then again, I’m not sure I could even if I wanted to. I try to be transparent with Carson when I’m struggling. I try to share my knowledge in the hopes that they won’t feel alone; being autistic can be isolating. God knows I felt like an alien for the first 44 years of my life!
I hope it will be different for Carson, but like all 15-year-olds, they are at a hard stage. Some days they think being neurodivergent is cool. Other times they resent their difference and direct some of that resentment toward me for making them this way. I hope in time they will come to view their autism for what it is—neither a blessing or a curse but just a way of being.
In what ways does autism or other neurodivergence make parenting easier or harder for you?
I'm not a parent, but I still got so much out of reading this. Thank you!
Julie, your posts make me think. A lot. I am 43 years old and simply cannot tolerate "extra" stimuli, like the noise of my kids playing (fighting, arguing, screaming) in the other room, large crowds of people. Let's add that when there's lots of noise AND people I am a wreck on the inside. Always have been.
I've been thinking, mostly due to your posts, if I am neurodivergent. I can't relate to the executive functioning issues my ND kids deal with (I am highly organized and orderly).
But I've always been a loner, kinda. Like, I was happy with one or two friends. I read books cover to cover in a day. I spent hours of time alone in my room, drawing or writing or listening to music.
I've always known I was different than most people, but I'm still unsure if my differences stem mostly from being a highly sensitive person (confirmed) or neurodivergent (unconfirmed). It's hard to know. And equally hard to live and raise 5 kids when I can barely handle being in a world that constantly overwhelms me.
Thank you for sharing what life is like for you and in raising a ND child. Always insightful.