I really value how you demonstrate embracing your child at all stages of their life, Julie, including how they figure out who they are. Forming an identity is huge for all of us. I love conversations surrounding gender, because I guess I adopted this worldview that there might be traditionally associated concepts surrounding what defines "masculine" or "feminine," but I can be both and still be me. I haven't always enjoyed being a female (hello, nasty periods for thirty years), but I came to embrace my female body and assigned gender, because I know I can still be fierce and loud and boisterous and assertive and gritty and ambitious--all typically believed to be masculine qualities--while also being sensitive and thoughtful and patient and kind--all typically believed to be feminine qualities.
Growing up in the 80s, there were "girl" toys and "boy" toys, as I'm sure you know. I don't do that with my kids. If my 6yo son wants to watch a Barbie movie, fine. If he wants his older sister to paint his fingernails, okay. If my 8yo daughter wants to wear pants and run through the dirt and play with firetrucks with her brothers, so be it. It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't detract from who they are, the essence of "self."
I think many rigid gender norms exist out of fear. People don't know what to do when someone doesn't neatly fit into a container, right? It's terrifying, alarming. It defies "the way things have always been" to them. And it seems like that's why a lot of people perpetuate these stereotypes. But I have made a decision to love my children as they are, and we will cross whatever bridges of identity happen as they mature and grow into themselves. I will not forsake my children. I will not abandon them. I will not reject them.
I hear you, Jeannie. We grew up in the same era with the same ideologies, I think, and yet fortunately we are parenting beyond them. And I agree with your comments. Just because we fear or don't understand something doesn't automatically make it wrong... And it's funny, here autistic people are supposedly the rigid ones ;P
That’s such a great point, Julie—”here autistic people are supposedly the rigid ones.” What a total misnomer! I am seeing how neurodivergence is really a form of openness and creativity—the very antithesis of rigidity! :)
I'm a 56 year old Autistic "male". I never declared anything in my youth, but I never felt comfortable in the expectations of "masculinity". I never had an interest in sports, competition, or other things I was told were natural (expected, demanded) "male" things.
My more recent anti-racism and anti-colonialism learning allowed me to understand my confusion, which is the notion of a gender binary and the strict gender roles assigned (expected, demanded) by Anglosphere societies (I live under the Canadian government).
I consider myself cis-passing, and rarely bring the topic up. I no longer believe the discomfort I felt was with because of something about me, but discomfort generated by culturally specific false binaries, social constructs and social hierarchies.
While I don't question my own gender any more, I regularly question "Canadian Identity and Values", and no longer consider that set of institutions or citizenship to be part of my identity.
This is so interesting to me as a fellow Canadian. Would you say this is purely a Canadian affliction or something affecting Western culture as a whole? And I agree these binaries are limiting. They are constructs, yet we tend to treat them as moral absolutes.
Anti-racism and anti-colonialism are recent deep-dives, and that has changed how I perceive much of the world around me. It has actually given me hope and optimism (I was in a bad way in the 2010's).
I believe the Anglosphere (UK+CANZUS=England, Wales, Scotland, Northern Ireland, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, United States) are the most strict in what is allowed within the binary silos of gender.
There are (IMHO unfortunately) many other cultures that gained their gender binary from a specific narrow (and some believe false) interpretation of the Hebrew Book of Genesis, including the hierarchy, that is part of "Western" culture if we recognize that this originated within Western Asia (so isn't strictly a European problem). So this crosses cultures that grew out of what is now called Judaism, Christianity and Islam (or had those views imposd on them via conquest and/or colonialism).
Other regions with other religions (Such as South Asia, Pacific islands, and most of what is now called the Americas) didn't have a gender binary at all. Some civilizations on this continent even have (not all forced into the past by colonialism, so not "had") specific social and ceremonial roles for other genders.
I grew up Christian in this (officially non-denominational) Christian country, so as I learned more about of other peoples and cultures, I recognized where this one got some of its core ideas from. British North American colonialism has a specific branch of British Protestantism at its core (which became even more strict in Evangelicalism, etc).
Note: I have learned to try to keep it to "my" country of citizenship as the more widely I speak about this, the more angry some people become as they think I'm no longer talking about my identity, or talking about systems, but attacking their "personal" identity. This applies to conversations of any of the social constructs and social hierarchies of this culture, whether it is gender (and Androcentrism), race, sexual orientation, neurotype, etc, etc.
It's a wonderful thing in this scary world to see parents supporting their children's exploration and choices ❤
It's scary, for sure. But I can't imagine a world where I wouldn't want to support my child...
I really value how you demonstrate embracing your child at all stages of their life, Julie, including how they figure out who they are. Forming an identity is huge for all of us. I love conversations surrounding gender, because I guess I adopted this worldview that there might be traditionally associated concepts surrounding what defines "masculine" or "feminine," but I can be both and still be me. I haven't always enjoyed being a female (hello, nasty periods for thirty years), but I came to embrace my female body and assigned gender, because I know I can still be fierce and loud and boisterous and assertive and gritty and ambitious--all typically believed to be masculine qualities--while also being sensitive and thoughtful and patient and kind--all typically believed to be feminine qualities.
Growing up in the 80s, there were "girl" toys and "boy" toys, as I'm sure you know. I don't do that with my kids. If my 6yo son wants to watch a Barbie movie, fine. If he wants his older sister to paint his fingernails, okay. If my 8yo daughter wants to wear pants and run through the dirt and play with firetrucks with her brothers, so be it. It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't detract from who they are, the essence of "self."
I think many rigid gender norms exist out of fear. People don't know what to do when someone doesn't neatly fit into a container, right? It's terrifying, alarming. It defies "the way things have always been" to them. And it seems like that's why a lot of people perpetuate these stereotypes. But I have made a decision to love my children as they are, and we will cross whatever bridges of identity happen as they mature and grow into themselves. I will not forsake my children. I will not abandon them. I will not reject them.
I hear you, Jeannie. We grew up in the same era with the same ideologies, I think, and yet fortunately we are parenting beyond them. And I agree with your comments. Just because we fear or don't understand something doesn't automatically make it wrong... And it's funny, here autistic people are supposedly the rigid ones ;P
That’s such a great point, Julie—”here autistic people are supposedly the rigid ones.” What a total misnomer! I am seeing how neurodivergence is really a form of openness and creativity—the very antithesis of rigidity! :)
Oh, we are rigid but not about that 😂
Hahaha I hear that!
I'm a 56 year old Autistic "male". I never declared anything in my youth, but I never felt comfortable in the expectations of "masculinity". I never had an interest in sports, competition, or other things I was told were natural (expected, demanded) "male" things.
My more recent anti-racism and anti-colonialism learning allowed me to understand my confusion, which is the notion of a gender binary and the strict gender roles assigned (expected, demanded) by Anglosphere societies (I live under the Canadian government).
I consider myself cis-passing, and rarely bring the topic up. I no longer believe the discomfort I felt was with because of something about me, but discomfort generated by culturally specific false binaries, social constructs and social hierarchies.
While I don't question my own gender any more, I regularly question "Canadian Identity and Values", and no longer consider that set of institutions or citizenship to be part of my identity.
https://r.flora.ca/p/canadian-heritage
This is so interesting to me as a fellow Canadian. Would you say this is purely a Canadian affliction or something affecting Western culture as a whole? And I agree these binaries are limiting. They are constructs, yet we tend to treat them as moral absolutes.
(Trying to keep this infodump small *grins*)
Anti-racism and anti-colonialism are recent deep-dives, and that has changed how I perceive much of the world around me. It has actually given me hope and optimism (I was in a bad way in the 2010's).
I believe the Anglosphere (UK+CANZUS=England, Wales, Scotland, Northern Ireland, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, United States) are the most strict in what is allowed within the binary silos of gender.
There are (IMHO unfortunately) many other cultures that gained their gender binary from a specific narrow (and some believe false) interpretation of the Hebrew Book of Genesis, including the hierarchy, that is part of "Western" culture if we recognize that this originated within Western Asia (so isn't strictly a European problem). So this crosses cultures that grew out of what is now called Judaism, Christianity and Islam (or had those views imposd on them via conquest and/or colonialism).
Other regions with other religions (Such as South Asia, Pacific islands, and most of what is now called the Americas) didn't have a gender binary at all. Some civilizations on this continent even have (not all forced into the past by colonialism, so not "had") specific social and ceremonial roles for other genders.
I grew up Christian in this (officially non-denominational) Christian country, so as I learned more about of other peoples and cultures, I recognized where this one got some of its core ideas from. British North American colonialism has a specific branch of British Protestantism at its core (which became even more strict in Evangelicalism, etc).
Note: I have learned to try to keep it to "my" country of citizenship as the more widely I speak about this, the more angry some people become as they think I'm no longer talking about my identity, or talking about systems, but attacking their "personal" identity. This applies to conversations of any of the social constructs and social hierarchies of this culture, whether it is gender (and Androcentrism), race, sexual orientation, neurotype, etc, etc.
https://r.flora.ca/p/observing-white-fagility
Info-dump appreciated :)