I mean, full agreement on the autism part, but as a gay autistic, I don’t think the comparison there holds. You can, in fact, be a little bit gay. You can be primarily and strongly attracted to people of another gender and an occasionally or under certain circumstances attracted to people of your gender or who are outside the gender binary. You can have exclusively cishet relationships are experiences but still feel that you are queer, and I’m happy to welcome you into that tent. :)
And I do wonder sometimes about how we draw the lines delineating autistic and allistic - which is not to say that anyone is “a little bit autistic,” but: who’s getting diagnosed vs. turned away because they’re married/female/humorous/capable of making eye contact/high-masking/not a genius mathematician/not impaired ‘enough’? (These, however, are often the folks protesting that everyone’s a little autistic, because they are in fact a lot autistic and they’ve never seen themselves reflected in portrayal of autistic people.)
You raise so many interesting points, Kate! I wonder, though, wouldn't someone who happens to be in a hetero relationship but is otherwise attracted to same sex etc, still essentially consider themselves queer?
I agree, that lines delineating autistic and allistic (or nonautistic) are fuzzy at this point, guided as they mostly (still) are by functioning level and the medical model. I guess it's just a pet peeve that someone with some degree of anxiety or sensitivity diminishes the experiences of autistic people. Just because you find some traits relatable does not make you autistic, you know ;)
So, it’s complex (both the word queer and all of the various identities underneath that umbrella). The way we conceive of sexual orientation is itself specific to this day and age, and this society. In your example, yes, many people might consider themselves queer - and some wouldn’t. I don’t personally hold that some specific amount of queerness automatically renders a person ‘gay’ or ‘lesbian’ or ‘queer’ - those are labels we choose for ourselves. And sexual desire is really complex and fluid - maybe someone feels completely straight at one point in their lives and then something shifts and they begin to identify as queer or pansexual or something else entirely. I want to hold space for that.
In contrast - as I think we’re both saying! - autism as it’s diagnosed and defined is not nearly as fluid; you’re born autistic or you’re not. You have an autistic brain or you don’t. There’s less room for interpretation.
I think the fact that people mix up spectrums and gradients doesn’t help - so many people think the spectrum “runs from more autistic to less autistic,” which… 🙄.
Julie, it's interesting you wrote about this, because I was having this conversation with Sarah's RBT last year. I do notice more people with autism, but I wasn't sure if it was because I understand it better than I used to, or if there are more autistic people mingling in the public square than there once was. I hope it's both! Honestly, noticing a person who likely has ASD truly reduces my trepidation with them.
I encountered a young man at our neighborhood park a few weeks ago who I suspected had ASD. He shrieked when he saw my dog, and made these strange (to me) gesticulations. Because I assumed he was autistic, I smiled but kept my distance and told him, "My dog looks scary sometimes but she has never hurt anyone. I promise I won't let her get too close to you when we pass by."
I think it was his mom who stood by his side and reassured him after I said that. The man asked me a few more questions about my dog - what's her name, breed, and oh she's scary! I just kept my distance and answered his questions.
It was the first time I realized I was not instantly uncomfortable with someone's odd (to me) social behavior and that I could be chatting with this person without feeling discomfort myself.
If everyone could share your awareness and willingness to interact with autistic folks (with curiosity and kindness, not with fear and ignorance), our society would be a lot more hospitable place for everyone!
I mean, full agreement on the autism part, but as a gay autistic, I don’t think the comparison there holds. You can, in fact, be a little bit gay. You can be primarily and strongly attracted to people of another gender and an occasionally or under certain circumstances attracted to people of your gender or who are outside the gender binary. You can have exclusively cishet relationships are experiences but still feel that you are queer, and I’m happy to welcome you into that tent. :)
And I do wonder sometimes about how we draw the lines delineating autistic and allistic - which is not to say that anyone is “a little bit autistic,” but: who’s getting diagnosed vs. turned away because they’re married/female/humorous/capable of making eye contact/high-masking/not a genius mathematician/not impaired ‘enough’? (These, however, are often the folks protesting that everyone’s a little autistic, because they are in fact a lot autistic and they’ve never seen themselves reflected in portrayal of autistic people.)
You raise so many interesting points, Kate! I wonder, though, wouldn't someone who happens to be in a hetero relationship but is otherwise attracted to same sex etc, still essentially consider themselves queer?
I agree, that lines delineating autistic and allistic (or nonautistic) are fuzzy at this point, guided as they mostly (still) are by functioning level and the medical model. I guess it's just a pet peeve that someone with some degree of anxiety or sensitivity diminishes the experiences of autistic people. Just because you find some traits relatable does not make you autistic, you know ;)
So, it’s complex (both the word queer and all of the various identities underneath that umbrella). The way we conceive of sexual orientation is itself specific to this day and age, and this society. In your example, yes, many people might consider themselves queer - and some wouldn’t. I don’t personally hold that some specific amount of queerness automatically renders a person ‘gay’ or ‘lesbian’ or ‘queer’ - those are labels we choose for ourselves. And sexual desire is really complex and fluid - maybe someone feels completely straight at one point in their lives and then something shifts and they begin to identify as queer or pansexual or something else entirely. I want to hold space for that.
In contrast - as I think we’re both saying! - autism as it’s diagnosed and defined is not nearly as fluid; you’re born autistic or you’re not. You have an autistic brain or you don’t. There’s less room for interpretation.
I think the fact that people mix up spectrums and gradients doesn’t help - so many people think the spectrum “runs from more autistic to less autistic,” which… 🙄.
Yes! And thanks for taking the time to elaborate on your original points
Julie, it's interesting you wrote about this, because I was having this conversation with Sarah's RBT last year. I do notice more people with autism, but I wasn't sure if it was because I understand it better than I used to, or if there are more autistic people mingling in the public square than there once was. I hope it's both! Honestly, noticing a person who likely has ASD truly reduces my trepidation with them.
I encountered a young man at our neighborhood park a few weeks ago who I suspected had ASD. He shrieked when he saw my dog, and made these strange (to me) gesticulations. Because I assumed he was autistic, I smiled but kept my distance and told him, "My dog looks scary sometimes but she has never hurt anyone. I promise I won't let her get too close to you when we pass by."
I think it was his mom who stood by his side and reassured him after I said that. The man asked me a few more questions about my dog - what's her name, breed, and oh she's scary! I just kept my distance and answered his questions.
It was the first time I realized I was not instantly uncomfortable with someone's odd (to me) social behavior and that I could be chatting with this person without feeling discomfort myself.
So I hope that is progress in some small way.
If everyone could share your awareness and willingness to interact with autistic folks (with curiosity and kindness, not with fear and ignorance), our society would be a lot more hospitable place for everyone!