My late grandmother used to say that the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach. And she liked nothing more than cooking up a “hearty” meal for her loved ones. Yeah, those may have been were the good old sexist days. But Nan wasn’t totally wrong. Food for many people is a love language.
And I would venture to add that the way to an autistic person’s heart is through their special interest. It’s not rocket science. If you want to connect to someone—anyone—take an interest in what interests them.
All people love talking about themselves, and everyone is passionate about something. If your uncle is a big golf player, and even if golf bores you to tears, you might ask about his game. (Isn’t that called small talk in polite, neurotypical society? See, already my eyes have already glazed over. As an autistic, I’d been hard pressed to feign interest in golf even for the sake of the imaginary uncle in this example.)
Our interests choose us—not the other way around. The only thing “special” about autistic interests is their scope and intensity. Autistics become experts in many niche fields and subjects. But special interests go beyond just infodumping facts and stats; immersing ourselves in an interest is critical for mental health. Our interests help us regulate and self-soothe, and, quite simply, bring us joy.
So many parents find it hard to connect with their autistic kids, which surprises me because it’s pretty straightforward. If you have an autistic child, tapping into special interests—or fascinations as some advocates prefer to call them—is imperative. Not only can interests be used to motivate learning (motivate, not bribe), consider them an all-access pass into your kid’s world.
Autistic kids tend to be open and transparent about what lights a fire in them. All you have to do is spend five minutes in their radius before you know. The hard part as a parent or caregiver is participating in an interest in which you may have exactly no interest yourself. Autistic kids aren’t stupid. We assume they aren’t in tune with social subtext, but we can always feel your energy and tell if you are “faking” it or going through the motions.
Since preschool, Carson has been intent on teaching me the alphabet in various languages. Fast forward 10 years, and not much has changed. I am regularly invited to their room for a crash course in Greek, Russian, Arabic, or some other script. And I’ll admit, sometime I groan inwardly (because it’s late and would rather be watching something mindless on Netflix than attempting to sound out anything in Arabic!). But I drop what I’m doing and get down on the rug for my “lesson.” The older Carson gets, the more precious these windows of connection become.
My kid teaches me, and I teach them about my own passion: music. Their knowledge of ‘80s and classic rock is impressive, if I say so myself. When autistic interests collide, something magical happens. (A few years ago, Carson went through a pretty heavy Beatles phase, and I was there for it. We were closer that year than ever.)
If you keep an open mind and let yourself connect with an autistic person through their interest, you will see passion light up their entire being. And that’s a thing of beauty to witness (even, I suppose, if their interest happens to be golf).
Even though it can be A LOT to listen to the discourse, an interest is not something to tamper down or redirect unless it’s getting in the way of basic needs being met. As autistic adults, we have to regularly make space to pursue our interests for our own health and wellbeing. Otherwise we could experience meltdown or burnout.
When I hear of therapists and parents trying limit how a child can engage in their special interest, it saddens me. Not only is this a form of sanctioned masking that harms mental health, it’s such a missed opportunity to connect and see a child as they truly are, not as the world would have us see them.
It's true! One of my first passions driven by my autism is the pipe organ. I still love it to this day. Once I got hooked there was no going back. Or Bach, if you punists prefer ;)
Every kids interest is a way to connect with a child, but I agree that for an autistic child seeing and recognising their special interests is so important. Often it is something they have developed a deep understanding or knowledge of, or it brings them immense pleasure, why wouldn't you want to be a part of that? Not to mention that the world needs humans with intense special interests- they change the world!