How to handle reactions to your autism diagnosis
When those around you just don't get it
Finding out you are autistic as an adult is a bombshell, no question. And figuring out how to deliver that bombshell to those who already know (and hopefully) love you is a whole other thing.
The great irony is that I often found it easier to tell perfect strangers or acquaintances about my autism than those closest to me. Even though my mom was interviewed as part of my assessment, I don’t think she ever expected me to be diagnosed. But I also knew she wouldn’t question the judgement of “professionals" in the field. Hence why I felt I needed formal validation—to silence the skeptics, starting with my own family.
It can be hard to accept that those closest to you may be the slowest to accept you.
Here are some of the many reactions you can expect post-identification:
Surprise and confusion
Some people will express genuine surprise that your autism went undetected for so long. They may also not know enough about autism to understand your experiences yet are open to learning.
Denial and dismissal
Others might downplay the diagnosis because of their own inherent biases about autism (and perhaps their subconscious fear of their own autistic tendencies). Maybe they feel threatened and worry that you will no longer be the person they know and love.
Guilt and regret
Parents and caregivers may take the news particularly hard and beat themselves up for not noticing signs earlier and getting you the right supports.
Validation and clarity
Some may feel relieved because knowing you’re autistic explains so much about you and your past. As a result, they may feel closer to you. Win!
Resistance
Others aren’t prepared to see you in a different light and aren’t willing to reframe their view of past you. They may act as though nothing has changed—when your entire world has.
Notice something about the above list? All of these points are about how the other person experiences your neurodivergence. That’s on them. Their reaction is not about you. It sucks to feel attacked or rejected, but your identity is yours alone. No one else has to be on board, or even supportive, of your diagnosis (although obviously it’s terrific if they are).
At the same time, try to resist the urge to bang others over the head with all your newfound insights. A little advocacy goes a long way, especially in the early phases of your identification. Many of us understandably become a little obsessed with all things autism pre- and post-diagnosis. That makes perfect sense, given you’ve spent your entire life walking around with a blindfold on, only to have it suddenly removed. Everything is novel and shiny and bright, and though it can be tempting to shout about your discovery from the rooftops—don’t.
To be clear, people don’t want your TED Talk. They don’t want to be sent article links and influencer reels every five minutes. By all means, sprinkle around your knowledge like fairy dust in the hopes that some of it will land. But don’t take it personally if friends and family ignore your shares—and for the love of all that’s good, don’t go around infodumping about ASD on every Tom, Dick and Harry unless they explicitly ask you to (they won’t).
Be prepared to come face to face with a lot of ignorant assumptions and biases, such as:
“You don’t look autistic”
The classic. What does autism look like, exactly? Third eye, extra toe? Autism is a neurological difference, not a visible trait.
“You’ve done fine so far, so why does it matter now?”
Just because masking and coping mechanisms can hide struggles doesn’t mean they aren’t real. Many people deal in private ways behind closed doors. And masking in the long run is maladaptive.“Autism is just for children”
Nope. Autism doesn’t magically disappear when you turn 18, although many services and supports do. Poof!“It’s overdiagnosed these days”
Autism is getting the same treatment as ADHD did a few decades ago. Increased awareness doesn’t mean overdiagnosis—it means more people are finally being identified. That’s not propaganda; it’s progress.
Have a few polite, succinct scripts ready to address these comments so they don’t suck your energy. And bear in mind there are some minds that simply will not change no matter what, and be prepared to move on.
Most people need time and space. Adjusting to a diagnosis doesn’t just take time for you to process; others need time to absorb what it means, too. Stay open for questions and draw on personal examples to explain your experience. While you don’t need to justify your diagnosis, you can help others understand the more nuanced ways that autism affects you.
I was lucky that my partner was so open and accommodating. He never once questioned the validity of my diagnosis. He never treated me as less than, and offered supports when he could see me becoming overwhelmed or distressed. In many ways, he has helped with my unmasking and self-care. I know not everyone is so fortunate.
At times I have bristled when well-meaning (neurotypical) friends say, “Oh, I’m like that too.” When my family criticizes the way I am, it still hurts. But then, I remind myself we all create narratives about other people, e.g. she is so picky; he is just lazy, etc. It can be hard to rewrite those narratives and see a person you’ve known forever in a new light. Sometimes a simple statement is all that’s needed. I’m not being rigid on purpose. Autistic people often have trouble coping with a sudden change in plans, etc.
If your inner circle is used to the masked version of you, they may prefer that version and question why you are suddenly acting autistic. If loved ones persist in being invalidating or dismissive, learn to shut down those conversations fast (again, scripting is helpful). Decide how much you want to share and with whom. You are perfectly entitled to set boundaries, especially around people who are toxic and demeaning.
Some people are not who you thought they would be, just as you are not who they thought you were... True colours and all that. Until you feel secure and comfortable in your identity, you may feel vulnerable and in need of guardrails to protect your core self.
Others will surprise you with their level of supportiveness. Celebrate and hold these people close. They are gold.
Remind those who love you that you are essentially the same you. All you ask for is a little understanding and empathy, not advice or “fixing.” If all else fails, know that there’s a big world out there, full of good people ready to accept the you you are.
What are some helpful and unhelpful things you’ve heard said to the newly diagnosed?